


The Value of Repetition

by TinCanTelephone



Series: The Experiment [5]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Babyfic, Banter, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Family, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Family Reconciliation, Fluff, Humor, Kay the Cat, Kid Fic, Kids and babies guys!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-12-14 06:17:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21011138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinCanTelephone/pseuds/TinCanTelephone
Summary: Jyn and Cassian decide to repeat their "experiment" from two years ago. Cassian would like to think they know what they're doing this time.Of course, they have no idea.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is for an incredible anon on tumblr [whose many asks](https://cats-and-metersticks.tumblr.com/tagged/experimentverse-anon) about this ‘verse over the past year inspired this and who probably knows the ‘verse better than me XD 
> 
> And although I respect your choice to remain anonymous I really wish I knew who you were so I could tag you and gift this fic to you– I couldn’t have done it without you <333
> 
> I'm so excited to post this– and also sorry it took so long to write but I wanted to incorporate everything!! I just hope I did it justice.
> 
> Obviously a continuation of the Experiment 'verse, although it should also stand alone

It's definitely not an accident. At least, it feels very planned to Cassian. They talk about it– timing, logistics, cost, how Mira would feel.

"I don't know…" Jyn says, staring at the ceiling of their bedroom and fiddling with the covers. "I didn't have any siblings, except Bodhi. But we didn't like, _grow up_ together."

"All my siblings are older." Cassian thinks about it. "But I don't think they minded me too much."

Jyn rolls her eyes. "Shut up, they love you." She shuffles closer. "Did you know Luis gave me the shovel talk before our wedding?"

He did not know that, but it doesn't surprise him. "Really? What did he say?"

She shrugs and tucks herself under his arm. "Oh, you know. Just normal stuff. Like if I hurt you in any way he'd hunt me down and I'd never regret anything more."

He laughs, pulls her on top of him and kisses her. "Well that's a relief. My heartbreak would be avenged."

"I don't think it'll be necessary." She kisses him back, long and slow, then tucks her head into his neck. "So… what do _you_ want?"

"Well…" He sighs, squeezes her tighter and licks his lips. "If you're sure, I'm sure. I think it would be… really nice." It's not the phrase he's looking for at all, because he's already imagining it and he actually wants it _so badly_–

"Good." Jyn pushes up so he can see her face and in the dark he can make out her smile. It's wide and nervous and excited and he can't help but return it. "Let's have another baby."

It certainly feels more planned than the last time. Although Jyn tosses out her birth control with a lot less ceremony, they both know what's on the line next time they have sex (after they're one _hundred percent positive_ Mira's asleep).

They agree to keep their expectations low. After everything that happened before Mira was born, Cassian would like to be _slightly_ more emotionally prepared this time around.

So when his mother mentions they'll need a bigger place, he tries to backpedal. "We have time, Mamá. Remember how long it took with Mira? We'll start looking in a few months."

She clucks her tongue at him and Cassian imagines her shaking her head in disapproval. "You want to buy a house, don't you? Do you know how long that takes? Marta from my book club says the market is very good right now. You should be looking at listings…"

Cassian nods and half-listens as she goes on. She means well, but really, there's time. They just started trying and it could be over a year until something actually came of it.

Then, barely three months after he and Jyn made the Decision, he comes home to Mira coloring alone in the living room.

He gives her a kiss and accepts the paper of red, orange, and yellow scribbles. "Very pretty."

"It's _fire_," she says.

"I see that. Where's Mama?"

Mira wrinkles her nose. "She’s feeling _icky_."

Cassian sighs and stands up. Jyn didn't call him at work, so he's not too worried, and his first thought is how they'll have to cancel a couple preschool visits if this bug lasts more than a few days.

Then he walks into the bedroom and Jyn, without looking up from her position facedown on the bed, hands him a positive pregnancy test.

His mouth falls open. "Are you sure?"

She points at the bedside table, where there are three more, all different brands, all positive.

Suddenly shaky, he sits down beside her and takes a deep breath. "Shit, that happened fast."

"I know." She sounds as shaken as he is, which is a relief. It's good to know he's not the only one terrified, he's not the only one who doesn't feel prepared _at all_, even though they technically planned this.

"Are you… okay?" he says.

She nods, then slowly rolls over and sits up. "Super fucking nauseous. Worse than I was with Mira."

"I'm sorry." He rubs her back and tries to organize his thoughts. "Did you throw up?"

She grunts. "A couple times."

"Shit."

She leans into him. "I'm also really tired. Like, ten times more tired than last time."

That's a high bar, because he recalls Jyn sleeping nearly twelve hours a day for the first couple months she was pregnant with Mira. But when he looks down her eyes are already closed and she looks ready to nod off against his shoulder.

Then there's a noise from the living room and he remembers with a spike of anxiety that this time around, there's a toddler to keep track of as well. Gently, he extricates himself from Jyn and lowers her back onto the bed.

"Okay, why don't you nap while I make dinner and call the doctor?"

"Okay." She already sounds half-asleep and Cassian leaves to let her rest, cursing himself because in _less than a year_ they'll have another baby and he should've known better than to ignore his mother.

He's happy about it– overjoyed, in fact, and Jyn is too, but this time there hardly seems a spare moment to celebrate. Jyn's symptoms are much more severe, the doctor even prescribes medication for the nausea and vomiting, and she's so tired Cassian takes a few days off work to watch Mira and give her a break. He also hesitantly suggests asking her parents to come over, but she flatly refuses. Despite her father’s attempts to reach out, Jyn’s still reluctant to allow him (and by extension, her mother) that close.

She starts showing earlier, much to her displeasure as she tries to button jeans towards the end of her eighth week.

He tries not to laugh at the petulant expression on her face as she finally kicks them into a corner and pulls out yoga pants.

"I wore those into my third month last time," she says.

Cassian smiles and comes up behind her, his nose in her hair and sliding his hands over her belly to see if he can feel a difference. He thinks so, but he might also be imagining it. "You still look beautiful," he says.

She snorts. "You sap."

But she turns around to kiss him anyway.

She's still complaining about it into her fourth month, when she _insists_ her bump twice as big as it was with Mira at this stage. She tries to pull up photographic evidence, scrolling through pictures on her phone and holding them up for him as they sit in the waiting room before her second ultrasound.

"See?" she says, pulling up a picture from a double date with Kes and Shara. "I was like 20 weeks then, too. And you can barely see it!"

Cassian knows better than to tell her it's probably a trick of the light or the shirt she was wearing, or to say (again) that all her measurements thus far have been normal. Luckily, he's saved from thinking of a better answer when Jyn's name is called.

"Are you still sure there's only one in there?" she says to the ultrasound tech.

He slides the wand over her belly. "Yep. Only one. It's just your second baby."

Jyn groans dramatically and Cassian can't help it– he laughs.

"Shut up," she says, although she squeezes his hand tighter. "Remind me why I agreed to do this again?"

And while Cassian's prepared to list the reasons, the tech gently interrupts them. "Sorry, did you say if you wanted to find out the gender today?"

Jyn looks up at him and shrugs. Not sure how to interpret it, he shrugs back and waits for her to say something.

"Can we make it a surprise this time?" she says, fiddling with the ring on his finger.

"Of course," he says. It doesn't matter in the end, anyway. They're having another baby. His heart suddenly feels too full, and he leans down to kiss her lips. "Anything you want."

Jyn smiles and holds him there.

"All right," the tech says. "Look away for this next bit, then."

They do, and Jyn leaves the doctor's office in a strangely better mood than when they arrived. "This'll be so exciting, don't you think?" she says. "We can just pick two names and paint the room something neutral."

"It'll be perfect." Kes and Shara will complain about buying baby shower gifts, but he doesn't care. If he can keep Jyn smiling like this for the next sixteen weeks, it'll be worth it.

* * *

Spurred into action by the bedroom discussion, they spend the rest of her second trimester deciding on a house and Cassian begins to seriously regret not browsing through listings sooner. At this rate, they'll barely be moved in by the time Jyn's due and there's so much to consider. How big a kitchen do they want? How many bedrooms? Just three or do they want a guest room? Is it in a good school district? How much work are they willing to do on it?

They've narrowed it down to a couple places, and Cassian definitely has a first choice now. It has an extra bedroom (what if his parents visit?), a bigger-than-average kitchen, and a sunporch he thinks would be a perfect playroom for the kids.

Eventually, they take Mira to see it, and she completely charms the current owners. She dashes around the half-packed up house opening every door and saying "What's in here?" over and over until Cassian has to hold her hand while he and Jyn talk to them.

When she sees the upstairs, she picks her room immediately, a corner room facing the backyard and with a view over the fence into the neighbors' vegetable garden.

"My favorite," she says, standing on her toes at the window. Then she runs across the hall to another bedroom. "For baby sister," she says.

"Or brother," Jyn says, although there's no point. Recently, Mira has simply decided that the new baby will be a girl and cannot be convinced otherwise.

No matter how many times Cassian says _The baby could be a boy,_ she shakes her head.

"No," she always says. "Girl."

Convinced by the alcove in the master bedroom where she can set up her own home office (all three of her monitors and two external processors), Jyn agrees on the house and they make an offer. Cassian's heart is pounding when they sign the mortgage, but in a good way. He and Jyn smile at each other, terrified, when they step inside the day they move in and he thinks there's no one with whom he'd rather be doing this.

Mira toddles into the living room before them, clutching her stuffed cat and looking around with wide eyes.

Jyn grabs his hand and leans in close, so he can see all the details in her eyes when she says, "Welcome home."

And even though Mira says, "Why it's so _empty?_" his heart has never felt so full.

Then the moving van pulls up behind them and they're lost in the chaos of moving for the rest of the day. The movers help a little– they decided to spring for that feature considering Jyn's going on eight months pregnant– but eventually Han and Leia and Kes and Shara show up as well. With other kids to play with, Mira becomes somewhat less underfoot and it almost feels like a party. One that ends with Han ordering pizzas that half of them have to eat sitting on the floor because their table is too small.

By the time everyone leaves, they've got their furniture in a satisfactory (although not quite perfect) arrangement and both bedrooms basically set up. Jyn takes Mira's hand and tries to lead her upstairs.

"Okay, it's time for bed, Sweetheart."

Mira frowns and pulls her hand away. "When are we going home?"

"We are home, Honey." Cassian tries to pick her up but she wiggles until he lets go.

"No." She shakes her head, hands clenched around her stuffed cat. She points at the front door. "Go _home_."

"This _is_ home," Jyn says in the gentlest way she can, although Cassian's heart sinks because Mira's face is already screwed up in a scowl and her lower lip is trembling.

And he's sorry, he really is, because this must be so confusing for her, to suddenly be thrust into this new place and told she can't go back to the only place she's lived her entire life.

But he's also _exhausted_ and Jyn looks dead on her feet and they're not prepared for a tantrum.

He reaches for Mira, intending to hug her or pick her up in a last ditch effort to prevent what they all know is inevitable, but he's too slow and she runs to the front door and tugs on the handle. "Go! Home! Go! Home!"

Of course, it's too heavy for her and Cassian comes up behind her and scoops her up. "Come on, Mira. Let's go to your new room you love so much."

"No!" She screeches and kicks until he lets her down, not even at the stairs. This time she runs to the couch and kneels in front of it, burying her face in the cushions and sobbing.

And Cassian's so tired he could pass out right there, but he and Jyn look at each other and dammit if he doesn't draw strength from just that.

So they sit on the couch on either side of Mira and Jyn pets her hair while Cassian says, "It's okay, _mija_, it's okay. I know it's new and scary but Mama and Papa are here and everything's going to be all right."

They take turns murmuring comforting words until Cassian's pretty sure they both become nonsensical and Mira cries herself into exhaustion, leaving a stain of tears and snot on the couch cushion.

In the end, she crawls into Cassian's lap (Jyn's at this point is mostly gone) and lets him carry her upstairs to her bed.

Two weeks later, Mira's stopped asking to go home but Cassian still feels bad. He wonders if maybe she's feeling lost in the shuffle, between the move and impending arrival of her new sibling.

"Do you think… we should get a pet? For Mira?" he says one night.

Jyn frowns. "Why?"

He shrugs and looks down, because he can't explain it, not _really_, he just feels like it would be good for her. "So… she has something to take care of and to be there for her when the baby's born."

"We're not getting a puppy right before we have a _baby_, Cassian."

"Well, I wasn't thinking of a dog, I guess–"

"So a kitten? It'll still be terrified of her when the baby comes."

Cassian shrugs again. "But they'll be good friends eventually."

Jyn still looks skeptical, but he can feel her giving in. "You really think this is a good idea?"

"I do." He grew up with pets– his sister's salamander, his brother's hamster that turned into 4 hamsters, the family tabby that was half-wild but his mother still fed every night, the dog his uncle gave him when he was 11. He can't help that he wants Mira to have that experience.

"…All right," Jyn says. She puts down her book and slides under the covers, arranging herself around her pregnancy pillow. "But this is _your_ operation, okay? I'm hardcore playing the pregnancy card on this one."

"Got it. No problem." He turns off the light and curls up behind her, one hand reaching over the pillow to her belly so he can feel their unborn child moving and already imagining kittens on petfinder.com.

Cassian spends the next week curating a list of available cats– young adults or kittens, litter box trained, vaccinated, microchipped, spayed, within an hour's driving distance, and at a reasonable adoption fee, then sits Mira down and introduces the idea.

She's holding her precious stuffed cat at the time, but drops it in favor of grabbing at the keyboard when she sees the pictures. "Kay-cats!"

"That's right, kitty-cats." Cassian gently pushes her hands away from the laptop and tries (again) to correct the mispronunciation that's persisted since she was learning to talk. He scrolls a bit to let her see all of them. "What do you think, Mira? Do you like any of them?"

"Hmmmmm…" Mira squints and looks at the list. "I can name it?"

"Of course you can."

"I can name it Kay-Cat?"

"If you want to." Cassian half-hopes she'll decide on a slightly less nonsensical name, but he doesn't say anything. He wants this to feel like _hers_.

She considers the list for nearly ten minutes, but Cassian doesn't rush her. It's a big decision, after all.

"That one." She leans over and presses a sticky finger to the screen, indicating a grey kitten with a white ruff, staring intensely at the camera with blue-green eyes.

"You're sure?"

"That's Kay-Cat," Mira says with what appears to be absolute certainty.

A quick glance reveals the kitten's a boy and called Tank (although Mira's chosen name will work too) and being fostered forty minutes away. "All right," he says. "Papa will try and get Kay-Cat for you."

Between scheduling an interview with the foster and a controlled meeting with Mira because the cat had never been exposed to small children before, it takes longer than Cassian expected to actually _obtain_ “Kay-Cat.” By the time he releases the grey kitten from its carrier into the guest bedroom, where he’ll stay for a little while to acclimate, Jyn is mere weeks from her due date.

She watches suspiciously from the doorway as Mira lies on the floor and tries to drag the kitten out from under the bed, just too low to the ground for her to squeeze under. “Come here, Kay-Cat. Kay-Cat, come _here_.”

“If she gets stuck under there, you’re dealing with it,” she says.

“Of course.” Cassian says, leaning against the doorjamb and trying to project an aura of calm he doesn’t actually feel. There’s a part of his brain, which grows more insistent every day, that wonders whether it’s such a good idea– to bring a new kitten into the household at the same time as a _baby_.

But there’s no going back now, he thinks as Mira squeals when the kitten touches his nose to her finger tips. He can’t imagine ever taking this away from her.

Mira was born ten days early, and Cassian remembers feeling caught very off-guard, so he’d like to think he’s more mentally prepared this time. At 36 weeks, overnight bags are long packed, the bassinet and changing table are set up in the master bedroom, and Cassian has declared every aspect of the baby’s room perfect. They (Cassian) ended up painting it yellow, and even though they still don’t know the gender Mira’s old infant clothes are stocked in the dresser.

“It doesn’t matter if some of them are girly,” Jyn said. “It’s a baby, they won’t care.”

It’s also saving them money, so Cassian can’t argue with that logic.

So when The Due Date comes and goes, Cassian begins to think this kind of waiting is worse.

“Maybe I should start taking family leave now,” he says, pacing the length of their master bedroom while Jyn does yoga on the floor next to their bed. (She says it feels good, but he can’t watch because it honestly looks terrifying.)

“No, that’s stupid,” she says without opening her eyes, on her back on the floor in ‘legs-up-on-the-wall’ pose. “Save it for when they actually come.”

“Which would be _literally any second_,” Cassian said. It feels like it’s looming over them, and he hates it.

Jyn seems unimpressed. “You work half an hour away. That’s plenty of time to get here if anything exciting happens.”

Cassian scoffs. _Anything exciting_. “How are you so calm?”

She twists her hips and and lets her legs fall onto the floor, then pushes herself up and folds her legs into the lotus pose. “It’s the beauty of the second kid, Cass. We’ve done this all before, we know exactly what to expect.”

“Really? Exactly?”

She shrugs. “Approximately.”

“Sure.”

“My point is, quit worrying.” She takes a deep breath and waves him over. “Now help me up so I can shower before bed.”

Of course, it turns out they have no idea what to expect. Just like they did with Mira, they drive to the hospital as soon as Jyn’s water breaks, but instead of spending the next fifteen hours in labor, she almost delivers in the elevator, causing near heart attacks in Cassian, two nurses, and the attending OB.

But then just like that, it’s all over and Cassian’s hands shake as he feels the adrenaline crash. The medical staff have mostly cleared out and after all the noise from before, his ears are ringing. A glance out the window tells him it’s almost morning, sunlight just starting to peek over the city skyline.

“She’s so beautiful.”

He turns back to Jyn and has to fumble for his phone to snap a picture. Pale and exhausted, the smile on her face makes his heart want to burst as she stares at their newborn daughter. “She’s perfect.”

Jyn’s head is nodding, so Cassian steps forward to take the baby from her arms. “Let me take her, _cariña_. You should get some sleep.”

She sighs. “Okay.” She’s reluctant to let go, but falls asleep within seconds as Cassian steps away.

He allows himself a few seconds to hold her close to his chest and marvel at the feel of her in his arms, then places her carefully in her bed and opens his computer to send an announcement email to all their friends and family. He attaches the picture he took of Jyn as well as one of the baby alone, swaddled in her blue and pink striped hospital blanket. Lying on the cot the hospital set up for him, he feels himself drifting off, and takes a while to come up with a good title. Eventually, he gives up on being clever and decides to keep it simple.

_Feliz Cumpleaños, Amalia!_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a millennial(tm) I know shit nothing about the timeline of buying a house, don't @ me :P
> 
> Also yes here is a [picture of Kay-Cat](https://pixabay.com/photos/grey-cat-kitten-cute-1262684/) :D :D


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whelp– this took longer than expected lol. Thanks so much to @thegiddyowl for the beta!! 
> 
> So things might get a taaadd angsty (sorry!!!) But I promise it all works out in the end! Also– I apologize in advance for my crappy Spanish :/ 
> 
> _Content warning- descriptions of severe anxiety _

With the help of his sister, Cassian’s parents video call the next day, cooing over the baby in between scolding Cassian for not buying a house sooner.

“I told you, _mijo_, didn’t I?” his mother said. “You’ve barely had time to move in– is this angel’s room even set up?”

“Yes,” he says. “Not that it matters, she’ll just be in our room for the first few weeks anyway.”

Jyn takes the tablet back. “We’re using Cassian’s old bassinet, _Mamá_. Thank you so much for bringing it over.”

“Oh, good!” she claps her hands as Cassian turns the camera towards Amalia again. “It’ll be perfect for this little one– so fat and healthy. Cassian was so small we almost lost him in there.”

Jyn doesn’t even try to hide her laughter.

Cassian buries his face in his hands. “_Mamá_…”

“The newborn clothes were too big for months. Although it was an easy labor.” She peers at Amalia again. “You said she’s nine pounds? Jyn, tell me those doctors treated you well and stitched you right up afterwards.”

Jyn blushes, but seems semi-used to his mother’s intensely personal questions by now and answers easily, “They did, but the tearing wasn’t too bad, considering. Second baby, I guess.”

Meanwhile, Cassian’s face is burning and he sinks back in his chair, hoping this conversation comes to a swift end. While he took the time to educate himself on the details of labor and paid attention to what was happening during Amalia’s birth, it’s not something he ever hoped to discuss with his _mother_.

Unable to keep his eyes on Jyn while she continues to answer his mother’s probing questions, he checks his phone and replies to a few responses to the birth announcement email.

He notices one from Galen Erso, the word _visit_ in the subject line. To Cassian, it’s kind of nice to see, especially since he made no such effort when Mira was born.

But Jyn probably feels differently. After a few playdates with Mira, Cassian thinks they’re making some progress with Jyn’s side of the family, but she’s been slow to trust again.

He sighs and doesn’t open the email.

Kes brings Mira in for a visit in the afternoon, although she seems less interested in her baby sister than in showing Jyn and Cassian a stack of blurry photos of Kay taken with an instant camera Kes bought to entertain her. She seems suspicious when Cassian brings Amalia down low for her to see, and declines his offer to hold her.

“Why does her face look like that?” she says, wrinkling her nose at Amalia’s squashed, red face.

“You looked like that too, when you first came out,” Jyn says from the bed.

“No, I didn’t.”

Cassian laughs.

“I _didn’t_.”

“Okay, _mija_, you didn’t.”

Mira’s still glaring at the floor. “When are you coming home?”

Cassian melts and shifts Amalia so he can wrap one arm around Mira’s shoulders. “I’m coming home with you today. And tomorrow, we’ll come back and get Mama and your baby sister.”

Mira pinches her lips and takes a few seconds before deeming this answer satisfactory. “Okay.”

Kes steps back and takes out his phone. “All right everyone, who’s ready for the first family photo?”

Cassian stands so they can all gather around Jyn, but she shakes her head and eases herself off the bed, shuffling over to join them on the low sofa. “I need to start moving around, anyway.”

She takes Amalia from Cassian’s arms while he pulls Mira up next to him.

Kes holds up his phone. “Smile!” He snaps a series of pictures, both with flash and without, and sends them to everyone via reply all to Amalia’s birth announcement.

The caption reads– _Cassian Andor: outnumbered now and forever_.

Jyn snorts when she sees it on her phone, one hand over her mouth.

“What’s so funny?” Mira says.

Jyn shakes her head. “Nothing, baby.”

“What’s so _funny_?”

“Nothing.” Jyn ruffles her hair. “Papa’s going to be the only boy in the house now.”

“Oh.” Mira reaches out to clumsily pat Cassian’s knee. “It’s okay, Papa. That’s why Kay-Cat’s a boy, too.”

Cassian laughs and rubs her shoulders. “Thanks, Mira. I appreciate it.”

But he doesn’t mind, of course. His family is perfect just the way it is.

* * *

Apparently, Mira’s made some progress with Kay while they’re gone, because by the time Jyn and Amalia come home he’s allowing her to hold him for short periods of time. She’s very eager to share it with them, and Cassian humors her as much as he can. He has to admit Kay is very cute, and once he warms up to them, pretty friendly.

That is, except to Jyn. Ten days after coming home, she still can’t pet him past his head before he swats at her. Despite this, Mira insists that he loves her.

“Come see, Mama!” she says when Kay climbs into Cassian’s lap for the first time.

Jyn’s pacing the living room, holding Amalia over a spit-up cloth. “Maybe later, Mira.”

Cassian makes to move Kay off his lap. “I can take her if you want to–”

Jyn shrugs him off. “No, it’s fine.”

“Are you sure?”

She gives Kay a sidelong glance. “I’m sure.”

Things don’t improve that night when Kay jumps up on their bed and lands low on Jyn’s pelvis. She cries out and shoves him away, and all Cassian sees is a grey blur skittering across the hardwood and out the door.

Then Amalia starts crying and they both groan.

“Stupid cat,” she mutters, holding her midsection.

“I got it.” Cassian throws back the covers and shuffles over to the bassinet.

“She might be hungry.” Jyn starts to sit up.

He gets up anyway and checks Amalia’s diaper. “Do you want ice? Or a heating pack?”

“I don’t know. Ice.” Jyn groans. “I forgot how much this sucks.” She holds out her arms for Amalia, nursing pillow situated on her lap.

Cassian fetches an icepack returns to bed next to her, although he tries not to fall asleep. When Mira was born, out of solidarity he made an effort to stay up with Jyn through every late night feeding. But that seems impossible now.

Jyn’s an only child, and none of their friends have a second kid, but he remembers his mother said at one point, “You think it’ll only be twice as hard– trust me, it’ll be a hundred times harder.”

A week and a half in, and he’s pretty sure that’s a serious understatement. Looking back, they had it easy with Mira. It was two-on-one, for God’s sake! Now, if he’s not caring for one kid, he’s looking after the other, and there are literally no breaks in between. While Amalia requires the constant attention of an infant, Mira hasn’t become any easier– she still needs to be washed, fed, and entertained, and of course has no understanding of how more work the baby is.

Not that they’d expect her too, of course, but it’s _exhausting_. He collapses into bed at the end of every day more tired than he’s ever been, only to be woken up by Amalia two hours later. 

He jerks as Jyn stands up to put Amalia back in her bassinet, half asleep already.

“Sorry,” he mutters as she gets back in bed.

“You don’t have to do that, you know,” she says.

“Do what?”

“Stay up with me. I know you’re tired running after Mira all day.”

“’S no big deal.”

“Think of it this way,” she grunts, moving the ice pack from between her legs to her breasts. “You already make it up to me by getting up at the crack of dawn to make Mira breakfast.”

“Okay.” He reaches out to draw her closer, but she stops him.

“Sorry.” She shifts uncomfortably under the blankets. “Everything’s just sore right now.”

“It’s alright.” He moves closer to her anyway, careful not to touch her. “Are you feeling okay?”

She huffs. “My lower half was just torn apart by the thing currently sucking the life out of my upper half. All things considered, I’m doing fantastic.”

* * *

Cassian still remembers that night one week later, when things are considerably less fantastic. He’s standing in the middle of the kitchen, trying to remember what he was looking for, having walked there in an exhausted daze while Amalia screams through the baby monitor. Mira’s upstairs in timeout, after throwing a tantrum because Kay-cat wouldn’t come out from under the couch, and Jyn’s in bed with a high fever, after developing mastitis a few days ago. Cassian’s supposed to go back to work on Monday, but at this point he’s almost certainly going to dip into his vacation days.

Jyn. He remembers she asked for water and another icepack. They have two of them now, rotating in and out of the freezer. The new one isn’t as cold as Jyn would probably like it, but it’ll have to do. He refills her water bottle and trudges back upstairs, stopping in the bathroom for ibuprofen and her antibiotics. He returns to the room to find her sitting on the edge of the bed, holding Amalia in her arms and weakly rocking her.

“Jyn, what are you doing up?” He kneels by her feet and tries to take Amalia, but she resists.

“She won’t stop crying,” she says, tears of frustration collecting in her tired eyes.

Cassian bites his lip. This weepiness isn’t like Jyn, and while they were stressed and terrified in the months following Mira’s birth, he doesn’t remember it being this bad. He hopes it’s just because of the fever.

“She’s probably hungry,” he says. “When’s the last time she ate?”

The tears spill over and Jyn starts properly crying. “It just hurts so much.”

Her hold on Amalia goes slack and Cassian takes the opportunity to transfer the baby to his shoulder, the screaming in his ear almost background noise. He situates himself beside her on the bed and pulls her into an awkward embrace with his free arm.

“I know, but you have to keep feeding her to get better.” He holds up the ibuprofen. “I brought you these for the pain, you can take them right before.”

He moves to open the bottle, but to his surprise she shakes her head and with surprising energy smacks it out of his hand.

“_No_, I can’t feed my baby chemicals.”

“But the doctor said–”

“I don’t care what she said,” Jyn says, reaching for Amalia again. “I’ll drug her if I take those.”

Cassian feels another spike of anxiety– this sort of paranoid concern is also uncharacteristic, and not something he remembers from last time.

He leans away so Jyn can’t reach Amalia and takes a breath, trying to speak calmly and rationally. “Jyn, remember the doctor said it was safe.” He lingers on that last word. “The Motrin and the antibiotics. Which you need to get better.”

Her shoulders droop a little, and she glares balefully at the bottle of pills on the floor. “What about after?” she says. “I’ll take them after I feed her.”

“Then they won’t be able to help as much with the pain,” he tries again, although he doubts she’ll let it go. Her jaw is set in that way which means arguing will be a waste of energy, and when she reaches for Amalia again he lets her take the baby and start to find a good position to nurse.

“Why don’t you get more comfortable first?” He starts arranging pillows at the headboard into a sort of nest so she can relax.

She frowns. “The pillowcases are dirty. When’s the last time you washed them?”

“Uh–” Cassian glances down, fingering the fabric of the one nearest to him, which looks perfectly clean to him. “Not too long ago.”

She shakes her head, even shifts a little farther away from the headboard. “They’re not clean.”

He sighs. Another thing Jyn normally wouldn’t think twice about. But he can’t try to unpack that now. She can’t nurse sitting on the edge of their bed, especially when she shouldn’t even be up in the first place. She’s starting to sway a little after holding herself up for so long, her cheeks flushed red and sweating.

“What if I change out all the shams for you?” he says, although he’s not sure he can find enough clean ones for all the pillows strewn about their bed. Half of their linens are still packed away in boxes stacked in the guest bedroom.

She seems to consider it for a minute, then nods and he rises to search the linen closet.

As he suspected, he can’t find enough pillowcases to replace all the existing ones, but he makes up for it by using her pregnancy pillow, forcing it into a better shape to create the center of a makeshift nest. But even then, she refuses to settle onto it until every pillow lacking a new sham is tossed into a far corner of their room.

Looking a fraction more comfortable, she holds Amalia up to nurse. But Cassian can see the pain on her face, especially when Amalia reaches up and begins to knead the red, swollen tissue with her tiny fists.

He watches patiently for ten minutes, reluctant to disturb the tenuous peace, but finally he has to say, “Are you sure you don’t want the ibuprofen?”

“No.” Jyn shakes her head again, eyes still trained on Amalia. “I can’t explain it, Cass, but I just can’t.”

He nods, trying not to let his disappointment show. He desperately wants to let her do whatever makes her feel the most safe, but he can’t help but feel like the past few days have been… different. Like she’s beginning to take some things too far.

“I have to check on Mira,” he says. Partly because he needs the distraction and partly because she’s been quiet for a while. “Are you okay?” _Okay_ might be a relative term.

She nods, although he doesn’t miss the nervous glance she throws at the door, like she’s afraid of what’ll happen when he leaves.

“I’ll be right back.”

Mira’s sitting at her little crafts table, scribbling in a jungle animals coloring book. She seems to have cooled off since her meltdown, although Cassian notes that her pillows have been thrown into the far corners of the room and her crayon sharpener has been upended, waxy multicolored dust scattered all over the floor and her clothes.

He takes a deep breath and kneels beside her. “Hey, _mija_.”

“_Hola_,” she says, although she doesn’t look up from the hot pink tiger in her coloring book.

“_Qué pasa_?” He gently reaches around to put a hand on her shoulder.

“Kay-cat ran away,” she says, lower lip poked out.

“I’m sorry.” He pulls her closer into a half-hug, although she doesn’t look at him.

“Why does Amalia have to cry all the time?” She crosses her arms and glares at the tiger.

Cassian sighs. “She’s a baby. The world’s a new and scary place for her.”

“She made Kay-cat hate me.”

“Kay-cat doesn’t hate you.” Cassian gently closes the coloring book and brushes the crayon shavings into the trash. “It’s like we talked about, sometimes cats need quiet time. Why don’t we get into PJ’s and read some bedtime stories and maybe he’ll be back in the morning.”

“Oka-ay.”

“_Buena niña_.” He gets her settled in bed without too much more fuss and reads her one more bedtime story than normal.

She seems more relaxed by the time he turns the light out, but as he’s about to leave she says, “Why doesn’t Mama tuck me in anymore?”

_Dammit_. “Mama’s not feeling well, _mija_.”

“When will she be better?”

“Soon. Mama will be better soon.”

“Promise?”

“Promise,” he says, licking his lips. He doesn’t normally like to promise things out of his control, but he can’t bear to consider how bad things would be if he couldn’t promise this.

Jyn’s no longer nursing by the time he gets back, but she’s still holding Amalia, sleeping peacefully on her mother’s shoulder. Jyn looks bone-tired, but her eyes are stubbornly open and she watches Cassian move across the room.

“Did you take the medicine?” he says.

She nods, and even though he wants to trust her, he makes sure that the bottles aren’t exactly where he left them, and her water bottle isn’t completely full anymore.

“Let me put her down,” he says, reaching across the bed for Amalia.

To his surprise, she shakes her head and holds on tighter. “Your hands.”

“What?” He looks down and realizes there’s still some crayon dust stuck to the base of his palms. “Oh, sorry.” He brushes them off on his jeans and reaches out again.

She still won’t let go. “No, wash them.”

He hesitates, wondering if he should give into her increasingly paranoid demands, but eventually decides this is not the time and goes into the en suite to wash his hands– for longer than usual, just in case she’s listening.

“Okay?” He returns and shows her his hands again, red from the hot water.

She nods and gently slides Amalia off her shoulder so he can take her back to the bassinet. Neither of them say anything as he changes into sleeping clothes and she settles herself under the blankets again.

He wants to believe it’s because of the hour, or that they’re both worn to their last nerve, but he’d be lying if he said there wasn’t tension in the room. He lies down carefully next to Jyn, facing her but unsure where to start.

“Jyn…” He trails off at first, then gives up and decides not to overthink it. “What’s wrong?”

“I–” she tries to answer, but her throat works and suddenly she’s crying again.

Without hesitating he pulls her against his chest and holds her close, rubbing her back and her hair while she sobs quietly into his shoulder. Her forehead, while still warm, doesn’t feel quite as hot as it has for the past forty-eight hours, but he begins to accept that things are a long way from back to normal.

“It’ll be okay,” he whispers into her ear. “Whatever’s happening, I’ll be here. I promise you won’t be alone. You’ll never have to be alone.”

It takes a few minutes for her to catch her breath enough to speak, but eventually she says, “I can’t– I can’t stop picturing horrible things that could happen to her. I’m so afraid she’ll get sick, or I’ll drop her, or she’ll stop breathing if I look away. I keep wanting to check on her, or wash her. Or wash my hands. I feel like there are germs everywhere, and if they’re in my milk then she must be drinking them…”

“Oh, Jyn.” He kisses her forehead and helps her shift so she’s almost curled on top of him, hoping she can feel supported and loved, and that she can trust him with anything. “That sounds horrible.”

“I can’t make it stop,” she says. “I know it’s crazy but they won’t go away.” She looks up at him, eyes wide with fear. “Am I going crazy?”

He shakes his head, gripping her hands and looking into her eyes. “No, _querida_, of course you’re not. Whatever’s happening, we can get help for you. Everything will be okay.”

“But what about the kids?” she says through a fresh round of tears. “God, what if I can’t take care of them? How do we fit in more doctor’s appointments?”

Cassian hesitates, tries to hide the fact that he feels as overwhelmed as she does. He wants to be there for her through whatever this is, and wants to take care of the kids so she doesn’t have to worry about them. But as much as he’d like to, he can’t do both at once.

“Maybe… my mother could come and stay with us, if you’re okay with that. She can help out around the house and with the kids–”

“I want my mom.”

Cassian stops, wondering if he misheard her. “Really?”

“I just… I feel so lost and confused and _frustrated_.”

There are a dozen encouraging sentiments and on his lips, but he doesn’t say anything. None of them seem like enough, when he feels just as helpless.

She takes a shaky breath. “I thought it would be easier this time, because we already have Mira and I knew how to do it but now it’s like I’m starting at the beginning again.” She buries her face in his shoulder. “I need her to tell me what to do.”

He holds her tight, hoping she doesn’t notice the way his heart is pounding. Bubbles of fear and inadequacy inflate in his chest, as he realizes he has no idea what to do either.

* * *

In the end, they can’t work it out so Lyra will come without Galen. It irritates Cassian to no end that neither would concede on that front. Shouldn’t they all be doing what makes Jyn the most comfortable right now? He says as much to Lyra when they arrive, as Galen brings their bags inside. They’re standing outside on the small porch, but he can still hear Amalia upstairs crying, again.

“It’s not about comfort,” Lyra says. “It’s about bitterness. She’s holding onto an idea of her father that faded years ago. He’s not that man anymore– I wouldn’t be with him again if he was.”

Cassian pinches the bridge of his nose, a futile attempt to prevent the headache he can feel collecting behind his eyes.

“Please, Cassian,” she says. “Allow him to prove himself again. And you should know, he’s desperately worried about Jyn– we both are. So even if he wasn’t here I’d be telling him everything that’s going on.”

He grips the porch railing hard. “Okay, fine. But he can’t see Jyn if she doesn’t want to.”

“We understand. Thank you, Cassian.” She puts a hand on his arm, and he has to close his fist to keep from pulling away. Reminds himself that they’re all tired and stressed, and it won’t help anyone to fight.

“Don’t thank me yet.” Okay, so he can’t completely help himself.

Lyra steps back, but doesn’t say anything as she goes inside after Galen.

Cassian takes another minute, pressing his hands to his eyes and drawing a deep breath. He has to pull himself together, but it’s hard when he can still hear Amalia crying. Jyn’s probably crying now too, and Mira– he’s not actually sure where she is but maybe someone should look.

_Fuck, this is too much_. Another wave of helplessness hits him in the chest, and for a moment he wants to lie down on the couch and not get up for a very long time.

But he shakes it off and braces himself before going inside, gripping the doorknob with more force than strictly necessary.

_You’ll get through this_, he tells himself, because if he repeats it often enough maybe he’ll believe it eventually. _Everything will be okay_.

The doctors’ appointments, although stressful to the point Cassian’s nearly sick with anxiety outside the OB’s office, are helpful, if only in that they get a name for what’s going on.

“It sounds to me like postpartum obsessive-compulsive disorder,” Jyn’s doctor says, leaning across her desk and speaking in a low, calm voice. “It’s related to postpartum depression and uncommon, but perfectly treatable.”

Jyn nods, gripping Cassian’s hand so hard her knuckles turn white, before she has to let go to bury her face in her hands. He can see her shoulders hitching with silent sobs, and the doctor slides a box of tissues towards them.

He thanks her and they all wait while Jyn calms down again, although he has to fight to push down the fear rapidly rising in his throat again. It’s terrifying to see Jyn so far from her normal self. She cries more easily than he’s ever seen her, and he can’t remember the last time she laughed, or even smiled for more than a few moments.

“I’m going to refer you to a specialist,” the doctor says after a minute. “But Jyn, the most important thing to keep in mind, and I know it’s difficult right now, is that _this does not make you a bad mother_. Can you try to remember that for me?”

It’s incredible to Cassian that this needs to be said, since it feels so obvious to him, but he still nods and grips Jyn’s hand hard, hoping she’ll feel some of his certainty.

Jyn nods as well, although she looks so wide-eyed and lost Cassian feels like crying, too. They take the doctor’s referral without many more words and walk dumbly out of the office and back to their car. They sit in the parking lot for a very long time, the keys too heavy in his hand.

For lack of anything better to say, Cassian takes out his phone and the psychiatrist’s card. “I suppose we should call–”

He doesn’t get any farther before Jyn starts crying again. And not the silent, suppressed tears from the office– loud, gasping sobs of terror and desperate anxiety.

He leaps out of the car and nearly runs around to her side, where she crawls into his lap and he holds her while she cries and cries.

* * *

There are good days and bad days– at first, mostly bad as Jyn gets used to therapy and her dose of antidepressants is adjusted. Feeding Amalia remains the hardest, as it seems to trigger the worst of Jyn’s anxiety. Lyra turns out to be a Godsend, the only one who can really get through to Jyn at her lowest points. Although he’s grateful, more so than he can express, he still feels helpless, sidelined while Lyra does what he can’t.

She finds him one afternoon, alone downstairs with his laptop open, attempting again to do some work from home, because he still can’t bring himself to go back with everything the way it is.

“How are you doing?” she says from the doorway to the kitchen, water boiling in the kettle behind her.

He hesitates. It doesn’t matter how he’s doing. None of this is about him. “Fine.”

Lyra frowns and steps forward, approaching the sofa slowly, as if she’s afraid to scare him off. “It’s okay if you’re not fine, Cassian. I know this must be hard on you.”

Fuck if that doesn’t make his throat constrict and his eyes feel hot. As if the acknowledgement alone is enough to make it all come crashing down.

“I feel useless,” he whispers, his voice suddenly weak. “I don’t know what to do.” His hands are shaking as he lifts them from the keyboard and sets his computer aside.

“That’s okay.” Lyra sits gently next to him, her tired eyes trained on his face.

“I wish…” He searched for the words. “I wish I understood what she’s going through. I don’t understand what makes her so afraid, and everything reassuring I can think to say feels wrong…” He closes his hands around his knees, as if that will help hold himself together.

“If it helps,” Lyra shifts slightly closer. “I don’t think she expects you to understand, really. I don’t.”

Something about her words gives him pause. “Do you… understand?” He looks up, hoping she knows what he means.

She meets his gaze. “I do.”

For a moment, he tries to imagine Lyra thirty years ago, crying helplessly over a fussing baby Jyn.

“I don’t think they really had a word for it back then,” she says. “But I believe I recognize what she’s going through. And I think– just knowing that is comforting to her. At least, it would’ve been for me, to know that I wasn’t alone, and that I’d come out the other side.”

It takes a minute for her words to sink in, but Cassian feels himself relaxing as it dawns on him how lucky they are to have Lyra here, and how valuable that support must be to Jyn. Perhaps it’s okay if he doesn’t have all the answers.

The kettle whistles from the kitchen and Lyra glances at the time. “Galen’s taking Mira to the park on the way home from preschool today,” she says. “I’m sure they’d be happy to meet you there.”

He finds himself nodding before she finishes speaking. The park is less than two miles away, and the walk would probably do him good. And he hasn’t been spending as much time with Mira as he should. As Lyra returns to the kitchen, he stands to put on his windbreaker and shoes.

He pauses by the door, until she re-emerges with a tray of tea and sliced fruit.

“Thank you,” he says, which doesn’t even begin to cover it, but he hopes she can hear the sincerity in his voice.

She smiles, eyes wrinkling at the corners. “You’re welcome.”

The air outside is brisk, and leaves are beginning to fall from the trees. Cassian keeps his hands in his pockets and relishes the crackling under his feet. His mind begins to feel a little clearer, given a bit of distance and fresh air. He finds himself excited to see Mira, and even Galen. He should really thank him too, for all he’s done– driving Mira to and from preschool, making her lunch, keeping her entertained with games and coloring books and trips to the children’s museum.

Last week, he raked leaves with her in the backyard, and showed her the magic of jumping into the piles, and throwing leaves up in the air so they rained back down upon you. Cassian smiles at the memory, although it doesn’t feel quite as happy for him, because he was watching them from the bedroom upstairs, feeding Amalia from a bottle while Lyra talked Jyn down from a panic attack.

His foot hits a small pile of leaves built up on the sidewalk and he looks up at the trees overhead. He has to squint in the grey light that filters in through the clouds, but watches as the wind picks up and the branches begin to sway. It looks like the leaves are taking flight, leaping to freedom from their dormant branches, and he finds his lips tugging up in a genuine smile.

He remembers Lyra’s words, _We’ll come out the other side_.

There’ll be other times to rake leaves this fall, and more times next year. And the year after that. And the year after that.

He finds Galen standing by the fence surrounding the park, watching Mira climb the stairs of the jungle gym, lips pinched in concentration.

“Glad to see you could make it,” Galen says.

“Lyra reminded me I needed to get out.”

He nods. “She’s good at that.”

They stand in silence for a while, as Mira makes her way across a short bridge and pauses, clearly trying to decide on a slide.

“Thank you for being here,” Cassian says. “And for everything you’ve done.”

“Of course,” he says. “It’s been a pleasure getting to know her.”

Cassian chews his lip for a second. “You know you can’t walk out again, don’t you?” he says. “You can’t take that away from her.”

“I don’t intend to.” Galen shakes his head. “I believe she’s good for me, too.”

Mira reaches the bottom of her chosen slide and spots them. “Papa!”

He grunts as she runs into his legs, then bends down to pick her up. She’s getting heavier, and briefly he wonders how much longer he’ll be able to do this, but for now he savors the feeling of her arms around his neck and holds her close.

“_Eh, cómo estás?_” He brings up a hand to ruffle her hair before returning it to under her legs.

“_Superbien_,” she says, heels swinging at his hips. “Today in school we learned colors, even though I already know them, and _en_ _español_, too!”

“And was that a lot of fun?” he says as they start to meander back to the car.

“_Si!_ ’Cause we got to paint. And I painted you and Mama and ’Malia and Kay-Cat and _Mormor_ and _Morfar_.”

“Did you get to take your painting home?” he says as he maneuvers her into her car seat.

“_Si_, to show Mama and make her all better!” she points to a folder on the seat next to her, a corner of white poking out of the top.

His heart swells and he gives her a kiss. “Then we’d better get home soon so you can give it to her.”

The sun is beginning to set by the time they reach the house, and they step inside to a rush of warm air and the smell of hot chocolate. Lyra’s in the kitchen doorway again, the same tray in her hands, although this time there’s a steaming mug for everyone.

But the best part, _the best part_, is that Jyn’s downstairs and sitting on the couch– hair damp from a shower and still looking tired and a little pale, but holding Amalia and smiling.

Cassian trips over his shoes in his haste to reach them, awkwardly putting his arms around her and kissing her forehead, her cheeks, and her smiling lips.

Then Mira’s climbing in between them, pulling Jyn’s arms so she can get a better look at Amalia. “Mama, guess what I painted today!”

Cassian gently takes Amalia from Jyn’s arms so Mira can sit fully on her lap.

“What did you paint, baby?”

Mira thrusts her drawing into Jyn’s face, and Cassian decides it’s the most beautiful drawing he’s ever seen. Figures clearly meant to be himself and Jyn are in the center, a green blob representing Amalia in her blanket plastered on top of Jyn’s torso. Mira drew herself standing to Cassian’s right, arms drawn long enough so that they can reach his hand as well as Galen’s on her other side. Lyra is standing next to Jyn, and Kay-Cat is at her feet. Instead of grass, the bottom of the page is a splotchy mess of red, orange, and yellow– the colors of the leaves in the backyard. 

“It’s incredible,” Jyn whispers, tears in her eyes again, although finally (_finally_) they’re happy tears.

Galen and Lyra join them on the couch, and Mira slides off to claim her child-sized mug of hot chocolate.

Cassian returns to gazing at Amalia, and her big dark eyes. Mira’s eyes were also dark when she was born, and stayed that way– a deep, dark brown like his. But he’s got a feeling Amalia’s will lighten over time, maybe all the way to Jyn’s. He certainly hopes so. Jyn has the loveliest eyes.

He hears her gasp and his head jerks up, blood pressure spiking, but relaxes when he sees it’s just Kay-Cat, who’s jumped into her lap for the first time ever.

Everyone in the room goes quiet and still, afraid to disturb the magical moment as Kay-Cat makes biscuits on the wool blanket falling across Jyn’s lap,then curls up against her stomach, purring loud enough for everyone to hear.

“See, Mama?” Mira whispers. “Kay-Cat loves you and will make you all better!”

“You know what,” Jyn murmurs, fingers gently scratching in between his ears. “I think he will.”

**Author's Note:**

> See?? Didn't I promise a happy ending?? (Also yes– Mira does grow up to become an artist ;) )
> 
> Thanks so much for reading/kudos/comments!! I really hope you see this, experiment-verse anon! 
> 
> As always I'm on tumblr as [cats-and-metersticks](https://cats-and-metersticks.tumblr.com/)!!
> 
> Update: There is now another mini-fic in the experiment 'verse- which you can read [here](https://cats-and-metersticks.tumblr.com/post/628859063834378240/hiya-those-kiss-prompts-are-amazing-all-of-them)!!


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